You Have a Choice

How many times have we heard 1Corinthians 13 read at a wedding ceremony? Unfortunately, I think it has become so common, the power of what God says about love is not always taken seriously. In the past few weeks, in our Sunday school class, we focused on verse 7. I have to be honest; I do not know that I have really thought that deep and hard about this particular verse.

I Corinthians 13:7

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Those are nice words to be spoken at a wedding, but do we really apply them when things get tough. The truth is we have to choose the attitude about our marriage and spouse that will protect, trust, hope and persevere.

Let’s break down each of these words and what they may mean in our relationships.

PROTECT your marriage:

In today’s culture, there are so many things (that are not obvious) that can sneak into your marriage and destroy it before you even know it. We have to have the attitude that we will PROTECT our marriage no matter the cost. That may mean deciding not to read certain books or view things on the internet, TV and movie theater. They may appear to be innocent, but can quickly drift our thoughts some where that are not of our spouse or of God.  It may mean cutting ties with friends that do not encourage your marriage or desire a Godly marriage of their own. We are to protect our marriage not only from physical harm, but from anything that does not bring honor to our marriage.

TRUST his/her intentions:

When we hear the word trust, we automatically think about going out and doing something wrong, but ask yourself this? Do you always trust the intentions of your spouse were good or do you automatically believe the worst?  When she has been home all day and the house is a wreck, do you automatically assume that she has been lazy?  When he does not help around the house, do you automatically think he is inconsiderate of your feelings? Could it be that she was helping a friend who was ill, or a child that was suddenly sick? Could it be he does not see the importance of the help you THINK he should because it is not important to him?  However, he would be more than willing to help if you gently and positively shared your feelings and needs with him.  Our spouse does not want to disappointment us. We can not assume that we know the reasons for the actions of our spouse.  People, who stay in love, TRUST the intentions of their spouse and DO NOT ASSUME the worst. You have a choice of what your attitude will be.

HOPES for the best:

I don’t know about you but when someone believes that I can do it, I am much more motivated and encouraged to do my best. What comes across more loving?

“I knew you would not remember, what was I thinking” or “That is ok, I know you have a lot going on right now with so many things to remember”. I am not saying that the issues should not be addressed, but we can do it in a loving way that brings HOPE to our marriage and encouragement to the other person. 

Proverbs 12:18 says:

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrust of the sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

How do you choose to response to your spouse? Have hope and see the best in them at all times.

PERSEVERES through the hardest times:

I am deeply saddened by how easily Americans give up.  Nothing, I mean nothing, in life comes easy.  It is not easy to lose weight, save for a house, graduate from college or gain  a promotion.  But, somehow we think if our fairy tale illusion of marriage is not perfect, we must be wrong for each other and need to call it quits. After 15 years of marriage, I can say it is the best it has ever been, but it is definitely not because we have been the prince and princess for this roller coaster called marriage.  It is because we persevered through some of the toughest things imaginable, we chose not to give up hope for what God could do and submit to what Christ says about marriage. You have a choice to push through it when times are “not perfect” and I promises God will use it for good and bring strength to your marriage.

Guarding your heart…

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

Adapted from Staying in Love by Andy Stanly

So as we talk about guarding our heart, what does that really mean?  I will start by saying if I were getting married today I would request that Crystal play the theme song to Sanford and Son.  What?…yes, because the two of us brought in so much junk it would only be appropriate to play a song that fit the occasion (for those of you youngsters or those too refined who do not know what Sanford and Son is Google the theme song…it is junk yard funk at its best!!).  “We all bring baggage from relational hurts in our pasts.  And that baggage will inescapably influence the way we experience our marriages.” (Andy Stanly in Staying in Love).  So what do we do when this “junk” starts to surface in the inevitable heated discussion?  Here are four ways to think, identify, name, and tell what the real problem is and this will help you guard your heart.

1.     Before you speak, think about what you’re actually feeling.

Is the issue really the issue?  Am I angry with Crystal because she is lovingly correcting a behavior flaw in my character or am I angry because I am embarrassed with the way I acted?

2.     Identify this emotion or reaction by name (Ex. I feel embarrased).

Is this really anger or is it embarrassment for the way I acted?  Do I feel disrespected by the way Crystal is correcting this flaw?  Do I feel picked on because she is pointing out to me my behavior?  You need to name the emotion or reaction so you can identify the source of that emotion or reaction.

3.     Once you have identified it say the name out loud.

Sorry, I did not say this stuff was easy.  However, think about what we tell addicts when they are first coming to grips with their addiction.  We tell them to admit out loud that they have a problem.  This is the same thing, you have an issue so say it out loud and let’s get the process of addressing the issue under way.

4.     Tell your partner how you feel…if and when it is appropriate.

Okay men here we go with the “feeeeling” thing again.  But how will Crystal know that I am more angry and/or embarrassed at myself for my action then at her for pointing out my behavior? How else will I allow Crystal, the person who knows me best, the ability to help me become a better, father, friend, husband?  If I do not dare to share how will she know I care (come on, that was so bad the first time I HAD to use it again!)

So think about what you are really feeling, identify the emotion, say it out load, and tell your partner.  I promise the close bond you feel with your spouse from doing this exercise will out weigh the strange feelings you feel when trying this for the first time.  Go forth, be brave and guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life (Proverbs 4:23).  And remember it is only junk that you really don't need to keep.